I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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