She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just invented taco cereal.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
