Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
