I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
