Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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