hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Randomize
