He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dicks are not precious.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
