she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
