you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
