I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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