this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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