How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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