I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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