You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Randomize
