when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
