I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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