Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
