we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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