So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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