She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
