fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
