I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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