1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
