The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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