Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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