I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My vagina is very pro this idea
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
