do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
