Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
