If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
