Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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