My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
