the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
