this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
