I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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