I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
