Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
