this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
