I'm so fucking centered right now
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
