My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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