Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
