i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
