He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
