Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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