Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
