Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
