My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
