Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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