Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
