In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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