My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
