At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
