I seem to have left my pride at pride
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
