Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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