It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize