WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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