matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
