we have pet lesbian snakes
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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