trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
