I wish my penis had an off switch
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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