I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
