My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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