Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
