sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
