I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
